A Gangsta, Spice Girl, Prostitute Tis a Host Make
by Strawberry Smirks
Summary: A Gangsta, Spice Girl, Prostitute, Boy Band Member, and Paris Hilton Tis a Host Make is the full title xD. What happens when the Host Club loses members? Well, they need to reel in new ones by showing something fresh: AMERICAN CULTURE!
1. The Bible is Founded

Sooooooo, I decided to take a break from my other fanfic

-cough-youshouldreaditandreview-cough-

And so I decided to make something completely random! And also based on a few songs I've heard xDDD

ENJOY!

* * *

"NANI?!?!"

The dual cries of our beloved Little Devil types echoed through out Tokyo.

"No need to yell, it's not all too shocking," the logical monotone of the Cool Type tended to the situation.

Now, this was a rather eccentric sight. It was a magnificent day at Ouran Private Academy; no melancholy weather; no Newspaper Club trying to harass the heavenly Hosts; no Lobelia girls trying to sexually harass Haruhi; no Tamaki to sexually harass Haruhi. Actually, Tamaki was there but after he received the threat of a restraining order, Tama-chan has backed away a little from Haruhi.

"So, Kyou-chan, is it true? We don't have any customers at all this month?" the inquisitive Hunny poked his little head out from behind his darling Usa-chan.

Before Kyouya could get a word out, Mori answered Hunny's question with a, "Aa."

All eyes set upon Mori as he answered this question that wasn't addressed to him. The Hitachiin Twins, however, offered their input into the fiasco, "He only gets one line a show; let him use it."

Hmm, good point.

"We need new ideas," the Shadow King resumed speaking. "Give us one now, Haruhi."

This random addressing of Haruhi caught her off guard. The fact of the matter is is that if the Host Club cloes due to lack of customers then Haruhi's debt would disappear too...right? So, of course Haru-chan wouldn't give them a new idea to raise the amount of customers that come!

Actually, that wasn't really the case. Something cynical like that could be expected of Kyouya but not of innocent little Haruhi. The real reason? Wacky costumes are degrading. One time, the Host Club dressed up as characters from FullMetal Alchemist; Haruhi was forced into a trash can and played Alphonse Elric. It wasn't as fun as it sounds.

Luckily for Haru-chan, our beloved idiot has a little habit of also answering questions that aren't addressed to him!

"Our customers are getting bored of traditional Japanese culture! We need something new, something fresh, something..."

In a swift and clean cut move, Tamaki whipped out a copy of ...Seventeen Magazine? It seems that Tamaki wanted to learn more about American culture so he happened to pick this little number up on eBay; he didn't realize it was a 1997 issue. Nonetheless, Suoh proceeded.

"AMERICAN! Our lovely ladies will swoon over our vast knowledge of different cultures and come rushing back to our fresh new look!" Tamaki was practically hugging himself over his "brilliant" suggestion.

The cooing voice of Haruhi entered as she said, "Sempai, don't you think that's a little... weird?"

To keep with the 'let's answer questions that aren't addressed to you' theme, the unity of Hikaru and Kaoru responded, "Aaa! Haruhi, it'll be fun!" In all honesty, they just wanted to see 'Milord' be a 'MiFool'. In a last minute attempt to save herself from the evil grasps of a Seventeen destiny, brown eyes filled with desperation lay themselves upon the one who lurks in the shadows. The strictly business tone of Ootori Kyouya simply said, "Tamaki is our president; it's his choice."

Jumping with ecstasy, Tamaki latched--then unlatched at the sight of the restraining order--onto Haruhi. Now, flipping through the magazine of fantasy ideas, the Hosts glued their eyes onto the different images fluttering throughout the passing pages. The blonde baboon stood up and triumphantly proclaimed,

"I've got it!"


	2. Tis a Gangsta

Hahahahahahahahahahahaha my favorite chapter! xD

Psssst, I actually made a video to go with the Stupid Spoiled Whore video playset xDD Check it out!

Also, like Ouran I do not own South Park or any of the things from South Park I make references to (like Stupid Spoiled Whore Video Playset)

All of this is fanmade and not used to make profit:D

* * *

The once deserted Host Club room had now been filled to the rim with young customers; why were they there? Actually, these females were pondering that same question. You see, all that was left was a note addressing the female student body--and any interested male-- to go to the Third Music Room for a huge surprise. Thus, the pilgrimage to the Third Music Room was made! Now, dozens of ladies--and a few effeminate men-- stood awaiting their Prince Charmings.

Hahahahahahahahaha.

No.

The monotony of the silent chattering was broken by a loud blast of music that shook the whole room until it crumbled. It appeared that 50 Cent's "Candy Shop" was being played on massive speakers at maximum volume right outside the Host Club door. The crowd stampeded to an area near the door in order to try to make sense of the situation and see what was going on.

And then, the door was kicked down.

Of course, be the wealthy and elite, the Hosts themselves didn't kick down the door but the hired help did. Nevertheless, it didn't matter who kick down the door, the sight was still apparant. What the hell happened to our princes? They've been replaced by... superstar 'gangsta' thug rappers?

Everyone was speechless; all were in awe. Despite how much of a compliment that sounded like, this awe wasn't one caused out of amazement; it was one caused out of confusion and embarrassment. Simply the way the Hosts were dressed could cause any member of "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy" to gasp and fall over.

Before the crowd stood Tamaki, Kyouya, Hunny, Mori, Haruhi, Hikaru and Kaoru; or better known in the 'gangsta' world as Daddy T Dawg, Mamma Kyou-licious, L'il Hun Hun, Tall Mori Sparxxx, Homie Haru to the hi, Pimp Hika Hika, and Kick-You-Ass-Kaoru. The names were atrocious; the clothing was the icing on the cake. All were adorned with the most baggiest of jeans, the largest of shirts--collars popped, of course--, twenty necklaces of mad 'bling', a plethora of rings, and each fitted with a doorag of a different color.

Their reactions were priceless.

The Natural Type couldn't control her massive sweatdropping; the Little Devil Types ran rampid with complaints about their outfits--being the sons of a fashion mogul will make you open to criticize any piece of clothing; the Loli-Shota type couldn't stand up because the clock that was hanging from his necklace was so incredibly heavy, it dragged the poor boy's neck down to the floor. The Cool Type continued to scribble miniscule notes in his now rhinestone studded notebook, repressing this memory for a psychologist who would find it twenty years from now. The Wild Type gazed on; this caused him to look like the 'Bitch I'll Shoot You Up' Type more than the Wild Type. Lastly, the Prince Type took pride in his new appearance; his naive state of mind caused him to believe that this look was fabulous.

The blank expression of the room still remained but Tamaki was the first to break the ice.

"Yo! What's up my home slices, beyotch?" came the overzealous call of our beloved President.

Not even the walls bothered to respond.

The Hosts slapped their palms against their heads.

His 100 watt smile partly concealed by his head which hung down because of the clock pulling it, Hunny tried to initiate some Loli-Shota charm into the situation. "Hey, shorties, do you want to chill out with me and grab some cake?...Foo'? Isn't that a good idea Mori g dawg?" As the girls nervously giggled, Mori was lucky that the Host Club was portraying a rap theme today because what he said next was utterly in character.

"Word," came the one worded response from the small spoken Takashi.

Trying to make the action look as subtle as possible, the group of girls that once flocked around Mitsukuni and Mori now slowly slided away.

In the shadows, as always, stood the Shadow King but this time he had a guest, Haruhi. Neither of them wanted to be seen or even wanted to participate in their President's ridiculous charade this time. Still, two innocent females approached the pair.

"Kyouya-kun, Haruhi-kun, your outfits are a little...out of the ordinary," one of the girls hesitately stated. They all knew it, and Kyouya was about to agree with her until he felt a looming presence behind him. Behind Mother stood Daddy; without saying a word it was understood that Tamaki wanted Kyouya to stay in 'gangsta' character. So, Kyouya unwilling did so.

"Bitch, please," the Cool Type hated muttering this phrase yet it wasn't as unbarable as Tamaki's fit would be if Kyouya didn't mutter it. The young ladies, shocked as any other person would be, turned to the understanding Haruhi and asked, "Did you hear what he just said?!" Haruhi, feeling the same overlooking presence of Tamaki as Kyouya did, she unwantingly spewed out the words, "You heard him...hoe?" Gangster talk didn't come so easily to Haruhi; she was very unsure. On the other hand, the young ladies were very sure of their emotions and stormed off.

Meanwhile, on the opposite side of the room the antics of Hikaru and Kaoru were taking place. The usual dialogue was altered a little but the point was still there; twincest. Putting down his pimp cup, the elder brother grabbed his younger brother's hand and passionately said, "Oh, Kaoru, I would never let the East Side get you; I'd take any bullet in a drive-by for you; I'd slap any hoe who owed you money." In classic Kaoru fashion, sparkles appeared and in a weak, fragile, voice responded, "Oh, H-H-H-Hikaru, you're the only player for me." And as Hikaru was about to grasp onto Kaoru for a very close MOE moment, he paused.

"Kaoru, where are you hips?" questioned Hikaru.

The baggy clothes had managed to conceal the younger brother's hips thus not allowing Hikaru to find them. We all know that a MOE moment is nothing with out a close bodily hug featuring hip grabbing. Just like his brother, Kaoru was pondering the same question. "I'll just take off my jacket then," was the quick thought up plan. Renewed vigor came into the young girls; a chance to see Kaoru's body would melt anyone! So, Kaoru took off his jacket; there was another one under. He took off that jacket; there was another one under. He even took off that jacket; there was still another one under. Jacket after jacket, Kaoru swiftly tried to remove the pieces of clothing but it never seemed to end; even with Hikaru helping the clothing was endless. After twenty minutes, the vigor was lost and the customers quietly left.

As customers dashed off left and right, the idiotic blonde paniced. In a desperate attempt to move the young ladies, he gathered all those who were left and said, "Wait! Wait! I have a rap for you." The whole room gathered around the clueless prince--the Hitachiin Twins were armed with cameras to capture the moment. Clearing his throat, the horror began.

"Yo, yo, yo

Check one, two.

See, son, I'm number one

Let's have fun

I carry a gun

Cause I'm gangsta

Yous a wanksta

I'd like to thank ya

For listening to me

Because that's really polite...

And manners really matter in this world today

Without them we'd be really really rude

And I don't like rude people

It's crude

It ain't off the hizzle

Fo shizzle

My nizzle

My dizzle for rizzle mizzle kapizzle

Word."

Excluding the uncontrollable laughter of the Hitachiins, the room was still and baffled. More people left but Tamaki still hadn't lost hope! Pulling out the handy dandy "bible"--Seventeen Magazine had now been deemed the "bible"-- Tama-chan flipped through the pages and whispered his thoughts to himself.

"Rap is popular and girls like rap. Girls also like gifts and rappers give gifts to their hoes and whores...so girls must like whore themed gifts!"

That doesn't even deserve an idea lightbulb.

Gently pulling one of the leaving ladies aside, Tamaki smoothly pronounced, "Yo honey"--Hunny turned around but Tamaki made a hand gesture signaling that he wasn't talking to him-- "I gots a gift for you." The idea of getting a gift from the most popular boy in school excited the young lady; her eyes lit up with anxiety. Behind his back, Tamaki pulled out a big box and gave it to the girl. A few seconds later, after reading the gift, she gaze the prince a puzzled look.

Oh, the customer didn't understand the gift.

Feeling as if he was making all the right moves, Tamaki didn't mind explaining what the present was. "It's a Stupid Spoiled Whore Video Playset! Now when you doing your hoe-ing, you don't need to bother borrowing anyone else's camera; this is especially for you, whore!" he said in the most gleeful tone.

SMACK!

Rubbing the red hand mark that was left on his porcelain skin, now Tamaki had given up hope. Once again, the room was completely bare. Turning to Mother for answers, a bewildered and hurt Tamaki asked his darling friend, "What did I do wrong? According to the bible, teenage girls think rap is in so, they must like rap stars...right?"

Nodding his head and joining Haruhi in a sweatdrop, Kyouya pushed up his glasses and replied, "You took it in the wrong context, Tamaki."

Deeply burried in a sullen hole of woe, Tamaki abandoned the 'Superstar Gangsta Rap Star' strategy. The rest of the club members were in a relaxed state; they figure that Tamaki would finally give up on using strategies from Seventeen Magazine.

"I have an idea!"

Or, maybe he wouldn't.


End file.
